For once, something that delivers.
At a certain point, it hits you, bowls you over. You’re sitting in a bar across from someone that you wish was anyone else, and you reach out to touch that pretty hair because maybe that will do it for you, but somehow, it’s still not enough. Because it’s not who you want it to be. You wake up with them in the morning and mumble something about a headache because the way they touch you makes you nauseous. You don’t really listen to what they’re saying because you don’t really care, and you realize that you are abusing them the same way you’ve been abused. And you go through that phase where it just keeps happening. You meet someone and they’re attractive enough, clever enough, share enough common interests that yeah, you can go get a drink or five with them until they start looking really attractive, and you find them to be really clever. But when you wake up the magic is gone and you realize they’re too short, too pretentious, and all you want to do is get the hell out and be alone. You start wondering who in your little black book you can call that won’t make your skin crawl, because you haven’t had a proper fuck in weeks (months?) and you’re human and need some skin-to-skin contact. So you bite the bullet and drink until you don’t miss that someone and you call your backup plan because, hey, at least they’re good in bed and they smell pretty damn good, even if they’re thirty three and have five roommates. You do this over and over until it suddenly hits you that it’s what’s been done to you. If you want a friend, get a dog.
I kept feeling like everything was about to unravel, sitting in that familiar bar alone, candlelight dancing on the walls, on faces, on my sweating glass. I wanted to call you , to scream at you, to tell you that I loved you and hoped you got hit bar a car at once- your face smashed, unrecognizable, your remaining teeth popped from your skull like shucked corn. You embarrassed me. In thinking that you might feel too, I did myself considerable damage. I thought I was a raging alcoholic but I see now that it was just because I missed you.
One of the last times we spoke, I said I couldn’t sleep. I can never sleep, have never slept. Our conversation was one-sided; strained. I said I was tired and going to bed, but called someone else instead; a hypocritical move. He loves me like I want you to love me—he’ll answer even though he knows I wear your scent like fine perfume. He fills me so full to the brim with his love, a suffocating, crushing love. He listens to me, enraptured by everything: by my ranting, by my breathing when I sleep. And I fall asleep, finally. But on those nights alone, when I can’t sleep and I have that one wine too many, and I want to see you, to be around you, I wonder if it’s just the pheromones.
Go Get Laid
Instead of jerking off to internet porn, go to this party and go find yourself a real, live person to fuck.
I Give You The Newport
T H E N E W P O R T
3-4 Dashes Chocolate Bitters
3-4 Dashes Tobacco Bitters
Splash Simple Syrup
Friends Sharing Friends
Remember that time you almost had that threesome? But then you didn’t because it would have been you, the girl, and your best bro? And the thought of getting that intimate with your dude made you lose your stiffy?
You fucked her anyway, right? And I’ll bet your buddy did too. Just separately. You had to do her, and he did too. Being the natural competitor that you are, you couldn’t help but wonder if she liked fucking him more. And maybe she did. You have to live with that. Even if that doesn’t ruin your friendship, that little seed of doubt will haunt you. What did he do that you didn’t?
This all has to be broken down carefully, and as with anything, there are shades of grey.
1.) One Crazy Night
The scenario is probably something like this: You’re at a party with your best friend, you’re getting loose, and that cute girl you both have been talking to all night is trashed. You’re titillated, she’s drunk, and the strap of her tank top keeps slipping off her shoulder. Wowza. Your friend is just as randy as you are. So who takes her home? In this case, there’s either going to be a pass off or one of you is just going to go in for the kill. No hard feelings. You’ll get around to her at some point, and when you do, no big deal. She’s just another easy girl.
2.) The Long-Time Crush
You’ve known this girl for a while, and man, you think she’s cute. Those freckles make you pop a three quarter incher every time. The problem here is that your friend thinks she’s cute too, but you might actually have feelings for her. So what happens when you’re carefully trying to feel out the situation, taking your sweet time, but your friend swoops in and does the deed before you? If your friend knew that you had feelings for her, he’s not your friend. If not, then it’s your fault for not marking your territory.
3.) The Night You Want To Forget
There was that one time you got all drunk and let this girl take you home. You didn’t even like her that much, but you were drunk and had to get your rocks off. The next morning, you tip-toed out; the thought of having to get coffee with her made your little hungover head pound even more. One day, your buddy comes up to you, ecstatic about this new girl he’s met. Surprise. It’s her. And you can’t stand her. You can’t believe you fucked her, let alone that he’s crazy about her. This is where you keep your goddamn mouth shut and pray she leaves you the hell alone. If she’s as crazy as you thought, she won’t, and she’ll probably try to blackmail you into sleeping with her again. Don’t do it.
The key to friends sharing friends is communication. Be a man. If you’re into a girl, lay down the law. Make sure your buddies know so there is no confusion later. If your friend is fucking a girl you used to fool around with and it makes you jealous, let him know. Otherwise you’re going to sit there, just marinating in your insecurity. And that, my good man, will ruin your friendship down the line. And finally, if your bro is fucking a girl you’ve banged, and you think she’s a nut, do him the favor and let him know. Grow some balls and talk some sense into your buddy.
Personally, I am of the persuasion that friends sharing friends doesn’t work. If you happen to be one of the rare breed of people that just doesn’t get jealous or competitive, good for you. But the rest of us, we’re human, and we do stupid things. How about looking before you leap? Golden rule, motherfuckers, and make it your religion.
A Lesson in Stoicism, Pt. 1
To successfully keep a girl interested, you CAN NOT put any cards on the table. No heart on your sleeve, no nothing. Even hinting that you enjoy your lady friend’s company will blow your cover- you need to be a stoic sonofabitch. You need to be impossible to read- provide her with vague answers. “What did you have for breakfast today?” “Plenty.” It’s fucking easy. The less you say the better. When you’re saying these one word phrases, watch as your prey becomes unnerved. She’ll think you’re not talking because you’re bored with her, or because you’re just that damn cool. She’ll start becoming self-conscious, vulnerable. Watch as she falls for you. You can be a fat, god-ugly, lazy fuck, and if you still maintain control, she’ll fall for your sorry ass. Even if she thinks she’s a strong, capable woman, your stoicism will break her down.
It’s all part of the game, you see. It’s this game we all play in romance, this game with a non-verbal contract to be as dishonest with each other as possible. The idea is to get the upper hand, because without it, we are pathetic creatures.