Go Get Laid
Instead of jerking off to internet porn, go to this party and go find yourself a real, live person to fuck.
For once, something that delivers.
Instead of jerking off to internet porn, go to this party and go find yourself a real, live person to fuck.
T H E N E W P O R T
3-4 Dashes Chocolate Bitters
3-4 Dashes Tobacco Bitters
Splash Simple Syrup
Remember that time you almost had that threesome? But then you didn’t because it would have been you, the girl, and your best bro? And the thought of getting that intimate with your dude made you lose your stiffy?
You fucked her anyway, right? And I’ll bet your buddy did too. Just separately. You had to do her, and he did too. Being the natural competitor that you are, you couldn’t help but wonder if she liked fucking him more. And maybe she did. You have to live with that. Even if that doesn’t ruin your friendship, that little seed of doubt will haunt you. What did he do that you didn’t?
This all has to be broken down carefully, and as with anything, there are shades of grey.
1.) One Crazy Night
The scenario is probably something like this: You’re at a party with your best friend, you’re getting loose, and that cute girl you both have been talking to all night is trashed. You’re titillated, she’s drunk, and the strap of her tank top keeps slipping off her shoulder. Wowza. Your friend is just as randy as you are. So who takes her home? In this case, there’s either going to be a pass off or one of you is just going to go in for the kill. No hard feelings. You’ll get around to her at some point, and when you do, no big deal. She’s just another easy girl.
2.) The Long-Time Crush
You’ve known this girl for a while, and man, you think she’s cute. Those freckles make you pop a three quarter incher every time. The problem here is that your friend thinks she’s cute too, but you might actually have feelings for her. So what happens when you’re carefully trying to feel out the situation, taking your sweet time, but your friend swoops in and does the deed before you? If your friend knew that you had feelings for her, he’s not your friend. If not, then it’s your fault for not marking your territory.
3.) The Night You Want To Forget
There was that one time you got all drunk and let this girl take you home. You didn’t even like her that much, but you were drunk and had to get your rocks off. The next morning, you tip-toed out; the thought of having to get coffee with her made your little hungover head pound even more. One day, your buddy comes up to you, ecstatic about this new girl he’s met. Surprise. It’s her. And you can’t stand her. You can’t believe you fucked her, let alone that he’s crazy about her. This is where you keep your goddamn mouth shut and pray she leaves you the hell alone. If she’s as crazy as you thought, she won’t, and she’ll probably try to blackmail you into sleeping with her again. Don’t do it.
The key to friends sharing friends is communication. Be a man. If you’re into a girl, lay down the law. Make sure your buddies know so there is no confusion later. If your friend is fucking a girl you used to fool around with and it makes you jealous, let him know. Otherwise you’re going to sit there, just marinating in your insecurity. And that, my good man, will ruin your friendship down the line. And finally, if your bro is fucking a girl you’ve banged, and you think she’s a nut, do him the favor and let him know. Grow some balls and talk some sense into your buddy.
Personally, I am of the persuasion that friends sharing friends doesn’t work. If you happen to be one of the rare breed of people that just doesn’t get jealous or competitive, good for you. But the rest of us, we’re human, and we do stupid things. How about looking before you leap? Golden rule, motherfuckers, and make it your religion.
To successfully keep a girl interested, you CAN NOT put any cards on the table. No heart on your sleeve, no nothing. Even hinting that you enjoy your lady friend’s company will blow your cover- you need to be a stoic sonofabitch. You need to be impossible to read- provide her with vague answers. “What did you have for breakfast today?” “Plenty.” It’s fucking easy. The less you say the better. When you’re saying these one word phrases, watch as your prey becomes unnerved. She’ll think you’re not talking because you’re bored with her, or because you’re just that damn cool. She’ll start becoming self-conscious, vulnerable. Watch as she falls for you. You can be a fat, god-ugly, lazy fuck, and if you still maintain control, she’ll fall for your sorry ass. Even if she thinks she’s a strong, capable woman, your stoicism will break her down.
It’s all part of the game, you see. It’s this game we all play in romance, this game with a non-verbal contract to be as dishonest with each other as possible. The idea is to get the upper hand, because without it, we are pathetic creatures.
Woody Allen, as Alvy Singer in Annie Hall, has a poignant moment when he tries to understand why Diane Keaton, as Annie, always wants to smoke pot before sex. She asks him if he’s ever “made love” while under the influence. He answers, “If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful. I get too, too wonderful for words.” Too wonderful for words is what sex is supposed to be about, which is why it is an “act” of “love,” not a book. Sober sex is good and all, but it’s easy to get detached. You start wondering if you’ve left the stove on, or realizing that you haven’t paid rent yet. ”High sex” is another beast. Every breath on your neck, every touch of someone’s fingertips is intensified, and you feel a warm fuzzy connection with the other party involved that you ordinarily would ignore, or wouldn’t normally register in your brain. It’s like you both are having the same dream, in which you can feel each other’s goddamn heartbeats, and where language is unnecessary- you understand each other’s lust. It’s unbearably intimate, is what I think Woody Allen was trying to say. You should not have high sex with someone who is just a fuck. Drunk sex, sure. Sober sex, only if it’s good sex (i.e.- a purely physical hunger).
To have high sex with someone you care for can be a stupid idea, but is it better than sober sex? It helps your focus immensely, makes physical contact more sensitive, and quells any inhibition you may have. So then, what happens when you have too much high sex and then suddenly have a sober stand? What a different feeling. If you are unfocused for even a moment, it can ruin what would otherwise be a bangin time. Is it better for things to be unbearably wonderful and risk your sense of self or to the accept status quo?
It’s a hairy situation, even if the lawn has been mowed. Cunnilingus. What a disgusting word. Asking someone to eat out your pussy is nothing like asking for a blow job. Giving head is simple, easy, and more or less a pretty quick ordeal. The only fluids you really need to take into consideration are saliva, and of course, the big finale- the sign of a job well done. Giving a lady head is less mathematical, and there’s a lot more guess work. Performance anxiety? Yes. Especially when you’re engulfed in that little swamp between your lady friend’s legs, searching for that damn magical little detonator. Did she moan because she likes it or is she faking? I think I have a pubic hair stuck in my teeth. Where the hell is that clit? One finger or three? My jaw hurts.
The first time you sleep with a girl is usually when you pull out the big guns. That’s when you go down town without asking, and try your darndest to impress. If you’re both drunk, even better. You lose your inhibition about your face being nose deep in pussy, she forgets that she hasn’t shaved in a while. Win-win situation. As you develop your sexual relationship with this chick, the carpet munching will be fewer and farther between. I guarantee it. The only time you will initiate it is if you (a) fucked up somehow, like having mistakenly insulted her, or (b), if you are a real drunk horny mess. Ladies, think to the past few times you’ve been on the receiving end. Was it after a couple drinks? Uh huh. How often do you ask a guy, “Oh baby, I really want you to eat me out right now?” Do you even get that far, or did he beat you to it? Ah, the beauty of the nonchalance in asking for a blow job. ”You know what I’d really love right now?” The answer is always a blow job. Always.
So my advice, you deprived little lasses, is to get your man, your friend with benefits, your neighbor, or your one night stand drunk. If you want to be a gem, have some champagne and eat some berries before hand. Because you are that classy.
Of the many things that men find repulsive about the female character, aside from shopping and lip gloss and period details, “wanting to talk” is the number one turn off. A man can string a girl along for only so long before she wants to have “a talk.” Really, it’s not fair. It’s not fair to keep a girl around to sleep with and be nice to sometimes but to scapegoat the rest of the time. And guys know this. But here’s how to keep her wanting, even when you’ve had your fill.
1.) Tell her not to worry about whatever it is. Say she wants to be your “girl” and that makes you want to run the other direction— but not enough to NOT keep fucking her. Tell her she should stop over analyzing, that she should take it, whatever kind of relationship you may have, for what it is. This leaves things ambiguous enough to make her think that you’re just scared of commitment.
2.) In the event that she sees through this, you need to tell her that it’s “just how you are.” She can’t argue with that, right? I am what I am? And if you’re a fucking passive aggressive monster, then you’re a fucking passive aggressive monster.
3.) If the girl still isn’t buying it, you need to get drastic. Tell her that you’ve always been this way and that you have really begun to consider getting professional help.
4.) Number three is a little risky. The girl will either (a) take you seriously or (b) think you’re being an asshole. If she’s thinking the former, you’re going to get a whole slew of emails about shrinks. If she thinks the latter, then you’ve got to go back to being ambiguous. Tell her “Maybe there’s just too much on my mind.” How on earth could she argue with that?
Now I’m not saying that these are guaranteed. But, assuming the girl is smart enough to see through your bullshit, then don’t you think you’ve got yourself a winner? If the girl is dumb enough to put up with your shenanigans past number four, then by all means, keep sleeping with her. But really, if that’s the case, how good could the sex possibly be?
The thing about food and sex is that they are codependent. As in, if you want to fuck this hot girl you know from work, you’re going to have to take her to dinner before you fuck her. This isn’t always the case, but think to the morning after, aforementioned hot bitch wakes up in your bed and is probably going to want pancakes. You don’t have to spend big bucks on this dinner or morning after breakfast (lunch). The idea is to show that you care juuust enough to spend the time with her to converse over runny eggs or an over cooked burger. And, it usually works. Like, 90% of the time. After your horn dog dinner or sleazer breakfast, she’ll be that much more inclined to pick up when you call, because, you did, afterall, take her to breakfast, so it can’t just be a sex thing. Right.
Even more impressive, is if you actually go the extra mile and cook for her. She won’t even mind that you don’t have sheets on your bed, or that you didn’t brush your teeth today. Pretty much just the idea of a man over a stove top gets a girl’s panties all in a bunch. And here’s the best part- you don’t even have to be a chef. You too can get her panties around her ankles- it just takes a box of barillo pasta (under $1.00)